Thought #1 (30 Thoughts Before 30)

A week or two ago, I accompanied my husband to a church he was speaking at.  By the way, he’s such a great teacher, I’m always just in awe at the wisdom and revelation he teaches with, he’s definitely my favourite teacher 🙂 haha!

So yeah, I enjoy watching him speak, and going with him to these events is a treat for me. I was especially excited because most of the time I do photo shoots on weekends and I typically miss stuff that he does on weekends, so I was glad I could make this event.

So there I was feeling great, also because I was looking hot in my cute heels, high-waist skinnies (these smanje-manje Mamfundisis haha!) and new blouse (I had to go shopping to reward myself for losing my baby weight lol!), even my 4 year old daughter gave me a compliment before I left the house :).

Fast forward….now, we’re at the church and the worship team is on.  Now, if you know me, you know I express myself in worship, I’m free haha!  I’m there in the moment of whatever I feel like is happening in my spirit, regardless of where I am or who I’m with.  If I feel like I should jump, I jump…..if I feel like I should shout, I shout…..if I feel like I should lie on the floor, I lie on the floor.

So in this particular moment, we were singing an indigenous song (I looove local music), and one of the guys even brought out a bongo drum and yeeey!  The worship just escalated to another level (there is definitely something spiritual about the African drum!)…..and all I wanted to do in that moment was to ‘ukugiya’.   I’m not sure if there’s a word for it in English but ‘ukugiya’ is simply a traditional dance.

Now, firstly there were my cute heels to consider…..I thought about it….I actually wouldn’t have minded taking them off but the big problem was: My Toenails! *hides*.

My toenails were in a state!  Firstly, they were so long because I hadn’t cut them in a (long) while.  I’m always wearing pumps, I never really have to worry about my toe nails being exposed, plus I secretly enjoy long toenails because I can scratch myself with them in bed at night *hides*.

Secondly, there was still evidence of nail polish that had been applied also a long while ago, so you can just imagine that they looked absolutely nasty!  I stood there contemplating….I wasn’t willing to expose my nasty toe nails…..but then I felt like my worship expression was being stifled, everything in my heart wanted to do this dance but the situation was just not permitting ??.

In retrospect, I should’ve just done it….chances are no one would’ve paid attention to my nasty toe nails anyway. And even if they had, so what? I had nasty toe nails, so what?? So inconsequential.

The whole experience got me thinking…..I found it to be a sad but true reflection of my state currently.  All cute and pretty on the outside, but not so manicured on the inside.

I’m a simple girl but I do make a basic effort to make sure that I look good:

  • I’m not much of a makeup person, but I do like putting on eyeliner, a touch of blush and lip gloss.
  • I’ve got dreadlocks, but I’ve been trying to find fun and different ways to style them.
  • I go to gym a few days a week.
  • I love the look of nail polish but practically, it doesn’t always work out to have nail polish all the time ?, so I do it when I can.
  • I love clothes, I really do ?.  If I had lots of money, I’d have a lot of clothes.

So, as much as I’m a simple girl, I do spend a bit of time making sure that I look good on the outside.  And now after getting my figure back after baby no.3, I’m feeling more fabulous and making an even greater effort. And yes, it matters…..wanting to look “presentable” isn’t necessarily a bad or shallow thing.

When it comes to the inside, however, I don’t spend even half of the time I spend on my outer beauty.  And yet, this is the part that’s supposed to be more important.  I suppose it’s because of the obvious fact that everyone sees my outer self so I don’t exactly want to walk out of my place looking like a mess.  But it’s so easy to get away with being less than good looking on the inside because no one else knows but me.

When something on the outside looks bad, I will always pay attention to it because my outer look is important to me.  And yet, when a tinge of jealousy arises as someone achieves something that I perhaps wanted, an insecurity that rears its head or unforgiveness or bitterness takes residence in my heart, I don’t tend to treat it with the same urgency.
I can spend delicate time on Pinterest or Instagram looking at trends and fashion (my personal favourite is looking up house decor though), but hardly spend the same amount of time and effort on things that will make me (look) good on the inside.

Honestly, lately I do feel like I’ve been more concerned about my outer appearance than my inner well being…….and it is such a waste of life.  Not that looking good is not important, but starting to spend too much of my time, thoughts and effort on what I look like is such a waste…..because when all is said and done, it’s really what’s happening inside my heart, mind and spirit that matters the most…..that is the real stuff, as intangible as it is….That’s what really speaks of who I am.

I think you get the gist of what I’m trying to get at……As much as I love looking good, I don’t want to just look good on the outside, I need to always pay high attention to what’s happening in me……I need to love looking good on the inside.